Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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