i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
