i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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