I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Will exercising make me less horny?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
