Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
