i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
