i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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