Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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