frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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