I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
