the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
