How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
