We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
