Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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