I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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