Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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