i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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