I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
