rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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