im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
