I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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