already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
