If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
