I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
