My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
