there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like, not good at living.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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