I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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