i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
