You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
