I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
