just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
