i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I need water and some morals
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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