he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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