Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
