When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
