It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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