1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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