I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
