i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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