I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
