____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
