I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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