Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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