I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
