Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
