so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
