oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
