it's too hot outside to masturbate.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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