I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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