im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
