I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
